Remember Me? I used to post here. Yup, I’mmmmmmmm baackkkkkkk

I would like to welcome someone back to the wonderful world of blogging … me.  I have had a very tumultous few months, and therefore chose to work on working through them rather than blogging about them – so, alas, I was MIA.

I’ve started a few projects since last we spoke – I’ve joined an office fit challenge (more about that later), I’ve done close to a dozen charity walks/runs, I’ve started tae kwon do, I’ve gotten a third of the way through writing my autobiography (which, should it ever see the light of day, is certain to piss off any number of people – oh well), I’ve had my beautiful daughter get out of the Army and have been by her side helping her readjust, I’ve stuggled with relationship issues, bipolar issues and just “don’t give a fuck” issues – and now, I’m taking a stab at writing an advice column – stop choking – haven’t you ever heard that those who can – do, and those who can’t – teach. 

I think the one thing that stands out most about these past few months is that I find that I can think, feel and do things that I had never thought myself capable of.  It’s become a period of – what the hell do I have to lose-ness.  I have “bungeed” in Coney, rode up the mountains of Jersey, drowned in the Long Island Sound, put my foot up a few asses, learned to say NO, and, most importantly, not fearing any of these things (except maybe the Long Island Sound thing).  Overall, it’s been a good few months.

Now, as the year ends, I think it time to look at the things I have yet to do and address them with the same resolve that has carried me thoughout my life, stare my own fears of inadequacies in the eyes and say, “tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I not only can, but I’ll be smiling as I do it”.  At least, that’s the plan.

But, lest I lose my reason for this post, it is to say welcome back to me looking myself in the eye, taking a position, speaking my mind and being the incredible douchebag that only I know how to be.

Peace

When The World Spins Out of Control and Murder Too

I’m sitting here writing this, exhausted, but not by an overexertion of physical activity – it’s more mental than that.

I suppose it’s been coming, me getting to that “will she” or “won’t she” just have some kind of meltdown – and, gotta admit, it’s really a thin line between the two right now.

This morning, minutes before I was to leave for work, I let my dog out into the yard.  He ran toward the back and started shoving himself between the shed and the fence.  I knew, deep down in my bones I just knew, he was after something.  He finally emerged and in his massive mouth was a small cat – somewhere between kitten and cat actually – struggling to survive.  I screamed, my daughter woke and bounded over the sofa, and together we tried to get the dog to release the screaming cat.  He shook his head back and forth with this creature dangling from his mouth, and as my daughter neared, and I came in with a stick, he dropped it and ran toward the house.  To say I was horrified would be an understatement.

The poor creature’s back was broken as it lay in the grass panting.  It was terrified and we could only get close but could not reach down to check on it.  My daughter brought it food, but the cat was unable to move.  It was suffering and unable to do anything but lift its head to keep watch.  It was tragic in its sadness. 

All the while, as my medic daughter struggled to find a solution, and my broken heart – knowing what had to be – fought back tears, behind us was the “boyfriend” just laughing and telling the dog he did good.  Not even one glimmer of how completely heartbreaking this was as he justified the dog’s actions.  I suppose that his heartlessness in this situation had an up side – he was able to put the creature out of its misery, but the thought that as I was devastated, he found humor, hurts me even now.  My daughter asked me to please go inside – this was too much for me.  My daughter knows me.  I stayed with her as long as I could because I knew that this would hurt her.  I know my daughter too.  But as I hyperventilated, holding back tears, I turned to him and realized – he is a stranger. 

I recognize the dog has instincts and he was protecting his territory.  I recognize that the cat had to be swiftly put out of its misery.  I can logic it all within my head and it can all make perfect sense.  But what I cannot logic in is that this person who “loves me” can see me suffering and find jest in it. 

Today my dog murdered a cat.  Today my “boyfriend” murdered my delusions of who he is.  Today just spun out of control and now I sit here dizzy, drained and very, very sad.

Supporting Our Wounded Warriors

A quick note to those who may be on Facebook – I would like to offer the following 5 pages.  Each are organizations that support, empower and give comfort to our wounded warriors. 

As many of you know, the cause of those who have bravely served our country – and especially those wounded while doing so – hits very close to home.  So I ask, take a moment of your time to show support by liking the following organizations:

The Yellow Ribbon Fund

The Wounded Warrior Project

The Wounded Warriors Family Support Group

USO

Habitat For Veterans

When living is killing you

I was coming into work this morning, thinking about the day that lies ahead, and my heart started to spaz.  It felt as if the hand of God had reached into my chest and started pumping my heart for me – and let me tell you – it was a little too strong a pump.

I once really liked my job, I enjoyed coming to work, I enjoyed talking to the people – basically, I was content.  Granted, if you were to ask me what my ideal situation was, legal secretary would not have even made the list, but when life hands you lemons, you make a margarita right?

The problem is my excessive competence has led to my work life being overloaded, every day more and more responsibilities, favors, duties and such has bogged me down and robbed me of the feeling of ever really accomplishing anything.  I suppose I would be less upset if those people I am trying to help would occasionally work with me, but instead say, “here, take care of this pile of crap while I skip off and do other things.” 

It has gotten to where I dread, deeply, getting on the train each day.

My personal life has its ups and downs as well.  I try to keep those in my life as happy as they can be given their individual set of circumstances, I uphold my responsibilities and often take on others’ as well, I do this because I love the people in my life, and they love me as well – so when you love someone it hurts you to see them unhappy, sad, anxious, depressed – etc.  I do, at times, take this to an extreme – for example, should my little one have even a pensive mood I tend to ask her what’s the matter – I realize there may be nothing the matter but I can’t stand the idea that there is and I am not “on it”.  Trust me, this may sound like, “oh how nice” but it isn’t.  It’s annoying to both them and me as I am always in a state of “aware” or I try to compensate using energy that I do not even possess. 

So at work there is not quiet, at home there’s no mental peace or physical appeal (what a dump) and of course, we all know my feelings about the train ride in between the two – those damn FTrainieans. 

I think, right now, what I need more than anything is to be in a nice, clean(ish) environment which requires me to do nothing – this quiet environment will NOT allow dogs of any kind – this quiet place, unfortunately, exists only in my dreams and since I can’t remember dreams, I’m screwed.

Little by little – all this too much living is killing me.

“Watch The Throne”Giveaway on www.imsohollywood.com!

Okay here’s the link you bribed me to put up on my site for the extra chances to win.  Are you happy, over here pimpin my site out for what?  For a dayum CD.  Do people even listen to CD’s any more.  If my Vicky didn’t want this CD so bad you would not have me bending my site over and ramming it with your shameless promotion.

Watch the Throne Giveaway on www.imsohollywood.com

 

Since the World’s Ending Anyway

 

Since the world’s ending anyway, I thought to myself, why not experience it. Until now I’ve actively participated minimally in this world, but I feel a burning desire to change that. It’s a process for me, because for so long I had spent time outside the world, and instead, resided in a minute corner of it. That becomes apparent when it’s shown how socially awkward I am. I am not great on conversation, and it is almost entirely limited to talk about family, work, friends or some incident or another on the news. I am not great on experience having stayed within the confines of my home state on the most part, and only in the last couple of years have I gotten on a plane at all. I am not exposed to a lot of different music, cultures, styles – but rather to the tried and true that I have always known. So, of course, the world is a very frightening place. You might wonder why, if I have been in the comfort zone of my own little universe, I even want to jump into something that I cannot yet really fathom.

 

Well, I have gone through a lot of changes over the last couple of months, and am still undergoing them, but instead of aching and shaking over it as I was in the beginning, I am looking forward to them now. One of those changes is based on need. I have “needed” things in my life and when they would go away would spend a great deal of time enwrapped in a painful mourning … and I believe to a degree I still feel that “need” but it is diminishing more and more each day. This process is going slower than I would like, and it has been frustrating, but I recognize now that the emotional “need” is more a conditioning than a fact.

 

All of this philosophizing is a result of the fact that I am “kind of” involved with someone who I have come to recognize is about as healthy for me as arsenic. He calls me when he wants, doesn’t talk for long, doesn’t share anything about his life and what is going on in it, and … as was before the issue … has exiled me from his social world as if I were a dirty little secret. This has become the unspoken catalyst for my desire to put him in the friend zone – which, because of conditioning and my own social exile, has not happened … YET. I know that the person he has become is not someone I want to share my life with any more, and couldn’t share my life with if I wanted to, since he is so completely closed to sharing his life with me. Our once upon a time love has become a barren wasteland.

 

So, to move away from this wasteland I must go forward into the world that I have feared for so long. I am taking baby steps to do that, and I am unorthodox In my methods, but I am striving regardless. I want to wake up one day and say, “hmmmm, remember when you settled for that guy who always thought first of himself, then his friends – but always but always shut you out.”

 

Human Behavior

The people we love most are often the people who cause us the most pain. That statement is not merely theory but is fact. The reasons for that fact are numerous, but at the same time can be broken down to one cause. The people we love most are the ones we expect the most from. We entrust them with our soft underbelly so when they strike us there the pain is most severe.

Is it fair to expect so much from our loved ones? Yes. If we cannot put our trust in our loved ones serving our best interest, who can we trust? But giving too much credit to a flawed human being is dangerous. People are inherently just that, people, and as such are all too human. There will be mistakes, hurt feelings and that ache of betrayal. So what do we do, one by one dismiss these people? By loving less sure we can minimize our pain, but is it worth that beautiful openness that comes along with a loving relationship?

I am currently faced with that situation both as the hurter and the hurtee. I look at how I’ve hurt the closest person to me and how it reflects in our relationship. I know that it was me that built this wall that stands between us and feel powerless to knock it down. How do I undo the damage that I caused with my own actions. I can say I’m sorry but experience tells me that words are not enough. I know it’s going to take time, and with the same energy I’ve hurt them I will have to spend rebuilding trust.

I’ve also realized I hurt someone else with the lie of omission. I’ve come to realize that in not sharing my own underbelly, always finding excuses to not accept my own weaknesses I let my pride hurt them. My pride is my downfall, trying to live up to a standard that I set rather than trusting people to accept me for what I am. I realize but cannot undo the past and only hope that my choice to disclose isn’t too late.

I know how it feels to be hurt as well, and because I’ve said I forgive that doesn’t equate to I forget. Betrayal will lurk in the corner of our relationship for a long time to come, and as it is in my heart I understand why it will occupy space between the people I’ve hurt and myself. It is the consequence of an action that should be expected.

I hope only that in the process of healing that the larger picture of our relationships, which has seen any number of problems and challenges, is judged by more than this rough patch that it’s hit and in that picture forgiveness can be found. I know I am flawed and will be the first to take responsibility for those flaws but in the bigger picture, I love you all and will wait for the time when we can laugh again.